Dear (Fed Ex, UPS, USPS, Salespeople),

You may not have realized it from the stroller parked next to my driveway, but I have a small child. A small child who, as weird as it sounds, becomes sleepy everyday at 10 am. That’s when I give her a cup of milk, find her lovey, and put her down for a long nap. A nap may not sound like a big deal to you, but to me (her mom) it means that for a few glorious moments I’m able to catch my breath, clean, work, or just pick my nose on the couch without paying someone to make sure she isn’t sticking a fork into a live outlet.

Naptime isn’t just for me. Remember that kid you say at the grocery store yesterday who pushed over the canned goods display? He skipped his nap. And the toddler whose high pitched wail could be heard throughout the mall? She skipped hers too. Overtired children are pure hell to the people entrusted with taking care of them and can turn a bright, and sunny day into a nightmare for all involved.

Naps come along once a day and are easily interrupted by noise- that’s where you come in. Delivering a package looks easy enough, is it really necessary to yell “DELIVERY!” into my open door? Why does my desire for cross ventilation give you the confidence to scream into a customer’s home? You didn’t ask for my signature anyway so what’s the point? Attention? A pat on the back? Lemonade? Just go.

Solicitors…I know you have quotas to fill and believe me, I have nothing against sales people, but when I say, “Sorry I’m not interested” and you proceed to throw in a random detail about your product/service, it makes me want to take your life because I know that at any moment, your stranger voice will waft up to my daughter’s bedroom and jolt her from slumber. My roof is fine. My windows are fine. And no, I don’t need any coupons for my local steakhouse.

And FYI, that tape that I put over the doorbell is my little way of saying, “Touch this and you’d better run.”

I feel compelled to explain something about voice levels. There are three tones of speaking: inside voice, outside voice, and naptime voice. When I come to the door, smile, and say “Hi,” in a barely audible, hushed manner, it isn’t because I’m sick or trying to turn you on. My baby is sleeping.

In conclusion, I value the 2.5 hours that my child sleeps during the day more than almost anything. Don’t take that away from me or vengeance will be mine.

xox Me